Alright folks, listen up. I’m going to need you to grab your poster boards, your favorite brand of markers, your glue and plenty of glitter. Why? Because we’re going campaigning.
Sure, this year’s MLS All-Star Team roster is out, but there’s one more decision left to be made: who’s going to wear the armband against Arsenal on July 19 at Audi Field?
Whether you’re all about the local angle, or you’re pulling for the league’s most entertaining No. 10, or you’re in favor of a steady defender leading things from the back, or you’re backing an elite shot-stopper, there are four very solid choices in the MLS All-Star Captain Fan Vote presented by Captain Morgan. Voting remains open through Saturday, July 8.
But here’s the real reason why each nominee should be chosen to follow in the footsteps of Kaka, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Carlos Vela, Chicharito and, of course, Cristian Roldan.
Campaign slogan: He’s local. He’s reliable. He’s Beneteke.
Look, I had an alternate campaign slogan ready to go on this one ("He secures the air, he secures the ground, you’ll feel safe when Benteke’s around.”). But as much as I like that slogan, I hate burying the lede even more. The lede for Benteke’s All-Star captaincy camp gain is his local tie to D.C. United.
He is D.C. United’s lone outfield All-Star! He’s their goalscorer. He’s a dominant aerial presence (99th percentile in aerials won among forwards in MLS this year!). He’s reliable in the attacking half.
Benteke’s goalscoring numbers are good, if not great, this year (he has eight goals in 20 matches played) – but his mixture of strength, finesse and spatial awareness make him unique in MLS. With skilled central midfielders and second forward-types floating around him in Wayne Rooney’s attack, Benteke can act as a reference point and a failsafe whenever D.C. United get in over their heads.
With his ties to D.C. and his combination of skills, Benteke is an obvious choice to wear the armband.
Campaign slogan: You know what to do: run, don’t Walk(er) to your local voting station.
Walker Zimmerman was made for All-Star Games – at least, as much as any defender can be.
As a rangy, aggressive center back, Zimmerman can do the dirty work. He gets stuck in, makes big challenges and wins the ball in critical positions to stop opposing attackers. But Zimmerman doesn’t just apply his range and aggression to defending. No, he’s also one of the league’s most forward-thinking center backs on the ball. According to FBref, he ranks in the 88th percentile or higher among center backs this year in…
- non penalty xG per 90
- assists per 90
- expected assisted goals per 90
- shot-creating actions per 90
- progressive passes received per 90
- touches in the attacking box per 90
Zimmerman is a walking, talking final-third machine of a center back. He doesn’t add an overwhelming amount of production with his passing, but his size, speed and risk-it-for-the-biscuit mentality make him the perfect option to lead this year’s crop of All-Stars.
Campaign slogan: LuchaRoo is back.
2018 was fun. Frankly, I have very few personal complaints about that year as a whole. The parts of 2018 when Wayne Rooney and Luciano Acosta combined for special moments in the attack for D.C. United were particularly fun. And no 2018 moment for D.C. was better than – I’m really sorry Orlando City fans, but you know what’s about to happen – than the absurd Rooney slide tackle followed by a booming diagonal and an Acosta header goal sequence that went viral.
It was incredible. While Wayne Rooney will be coaching on the sidelines this time around, rather than on the field playing with Acosta, putting the band around the Argentine’s bicep is a nod to one of the greatest moments in league history.
Now, that’s not even mentioning Acosta’s incredible year for FC Cincinnati. He’s the Landon Dononvam MLS MVP frontrunner right now with nine goals, six assists and a host of key passes in 2023. Per FBref, he’s in the 98th percentile in shot-creating actions per 90 among MLS attacking midfielders and wingers. There’s no doubt Acosta still has the same spark that propelled him to that headed finish against Orlando nearly five years ago.
Let’s see him and Rooney connect one more time, even from the sidelines to the attacking midfield spot.
Campaign slogan: Working magic, one save at a time.
For as good as João Klauss and Eduard Löwen have been this year, the best player for St. Louis in 2023 has been Roman Bürki. He’s not a Designated Player, but Bürki is a worthy All-Star, which has been a pleasant surprise after a rough final few years with Dortmund in the Bundesliga. With his truly elite shot-stopping, Bürki is the best player on a St. Louis team that have put more distance between themselves and preseason expectations than any other squad in MLS.
Right now, the 32-year-old is in the 96th percentile among MLS goalkeepers for goals saved above expectation, according to FBref. He’s saving St. Louis more than a third of a goal per 90 minutes, which is a wild figure.
Because of Bürki’s shot-stopping ability, St. Louis manager Bradley Carnell can take more risks with the positioning of his outfield players. He can afford to press more than any team in the league – and he can take comfort in knowing that when they make mistakes, Bürki is there to clean up in the back. He’s a reliable, effective eraser. And he’s been a big part of St. Louis’ historically strong expansion season.
I’ll take those attributes in a captain any day of the week.
